"What doesn't kill you makes you suicidal."

Reasons Why Death Wouldn't Suck:

1. I would no longer have to watch my mom die. I wouldn't have to watch her be scared and in pain and not loving me at all. I wouldn't have to wonder what my family life will look like when she's gone. I wouldn't have to be in incredible pain--not only my own, but everyone else's too. I feel compelled to try and make everyone feel okay. I wouldn't have to helplessly stand by and watch everyone suffer. I wouldn't have to worry if my dad was drinking and I wouldn't have to worry about us losing the house.

2. I wouldn't have to worry about work. When I imagine next week, it makes me want to throw in the towel. How will I make it through five days of work at that place? Or anywhere, really. I just don't feel like I have it in me to work full-time. I feel so, so tired all the time. And I feel thoroughly pissed off that I have to maintain some sembalance of normalcy when everything is falling the fuck apart and my heart is a zillion pieces. I wouldn't have to worry about needing the money to pay back student loans and pay my other bills. I wouldn't have to worry that I'll have to be at Sound Mortgage forever. Or that I'll get fired and have to start running from the law.

3. I wouldn't have to worry about grad school. I wouldn't have to have 3 a.m. panic attacks about how I have yet to fill out any applications. I wouldn't then have to have panic attacks in which I wonder if I'll even get into graduate school, which my future and happiness and hopes and dreams totally hinges on, and then panic about how, if I do get accepted, I will even afford it. Or how I'd leave my cat and my niece and my best friends and the people I love so dearly who are here.

4. I wouldn't have to worry about being obese and hating myself and feeling ashamed to be seen in public. I wouldn't have to worry about food or throwing up. I hate myself. It would be nice to no longer feel that. It would be nice to not have to deal with be so, so awkward and broken and screwed up and in need of serious medical help.

5. I wouldn't have to worry about my back, which is once again making it impossible to walk very quickly or stand up. It's not fair that my back is acting up right now. I feel like there's no limit to how much pain I am expected to endure.

6. I wouldn't have to hurt anymore about the fact that I do not have parents. And I wouldn't have to feel so, so guilty for saying that.

7. I wouldn't have to ever think about Tommy and Mackenzie again. I wouldn't have to feel that rage that floods my body when I consider their existence. And I wouldn't have to hate myself for hating them with an incontrollable fury.

8. I would no longer have to feel sheer fucking panic at the thought that I have to keep waking up every damn morning. And I cannot do it. And I have no other choice. I wouldn't have to feel trapped. Or desperate for... a way out.

Maybe things will get better someday.

Maybe things won't always hurt so damn badly and feel so, so hard.

Maybe someday I'll love myself.

Maybe I'll get married and have babies.

Maybe someday I'll be glad I'm alive...

But right now, none of those thoughts even makes me want to keep on keeping on because right now, the pain I feel is too. much.

I call everyone/everything 'baby'. The other day I misplaced my cup of tea and when I found it I said, "There you are, baby!" And I felt momentarily concerned about myself.

I cannot wait to have an actual baby someday.

When I don’t eat, I get so sad that I want to die. My sadness from my life comes pressing in on me when I am not medicating with food. It's not that I'm sad about not being able to eat. I am sad because food is my drug. And without my drug, I cannot cope with the pain of my life. I absolutely cannot cope. Scratch myself, cut myself, wish I was dead--CANNOT cope.

So I eat. 

But when I eat, I hate myself because I am obese and I just fed the problem. And with food in my belly, I still want to cut or die. But it's different this time because I can fix it. I can throw it up.

Tonight, I watched Ava kiss her own reflection. She didn't know I saw. She looked at her face in the mirror then slowly leaned forward, closed her eyes, and kissed her reflection. It. Was. Adorable.

A little later, she took Finn's head in both of her hands and stared at him for a while. Then she scooted over so she was right next to him and wrapped her little arm around her neck.

And yesterday at the grocery store, I was talking to her about The Jolly Green Giant on the frozen corn. "Look at him! He's green! ...And he's wearing a dress!" I said the latter part mostly to Jayme, but that was the part Ava picked up on. "Dress!" she said, pointing. Then I heard her say a word I had never heard her say before: "Disgusting!" It was hilarious.

I love her so much.

I didn't go to work today. I couldn't. Last night, Mom had actually said she might spend the day with me. I was kind of counting on it. But in the morning when I woke up, she said, "I'm going to work instead." And my heart hurt that she never wants to hang out with me. I knew I would cry the entire way to work. So I called and got permission from everyone in the office to take the day off.

I love my friends and feel so grateful for them, but at the same time I feel really annoyed by the fact that none of them realize how much of a struggle life is for me now. Or how passionately I wish I could opt out.

Sad. Depresesd. Overwhelmed. Young. Terrified of failing myself. Terrified of the future. Terrified of how TIRED I feel.

There is a butt-shaped stain on my pretty pink bedroom wall. Lesson learned: Never attempt to do a wall sit in red pajama pants.

Dad: How's mom?
Me: I don't know. She never talks to me anymore. I don't think she likes me.
Dad: I wish you wouldn't say things like that.
Me: I wouldn't have to say them if I didn't think they were true.

Dad: *Sigh* Is it going to be one of those nights?
Me: What kind of nights? The kind where you hope you don't wake up in the morning?
He laughed, but I wasn't joking.

Dad: (Seeing me crying) What's wrong with you?
Me: I am tired of life.
Dad: You have another 70 years of it.
Me: I cannot handle that thought.

I am so mad that I don't have parents. That I have no one to take care of me or provide for me. That I have forever been on my own. That I don't want to be alive anymore but I have no other option. I have to keep living and I'm scared and sad and don't want to do it anymore. That's probably why I'm so tired all the time. My body is so tired of waking up every morning. It's too much. This life is too much. I don't want to do it anymore. Too much pain. Too much to be afraid of. I feel too young to deal with any of it. I want to be taken care of. I'm so scared.

"How many times can I break till I shatter?"

"Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart." 


I am so tired. I couldn't even go to work today. I slept enough last night but when I woke up, my eyes couldn't even open all the way. I went back to sleep for a few more hours but my eyes have still been burning all day. I'm so tired. I cannot figure it out.

Is it possible to become so addicted to caffeine that no amount of caffeine wakes you up anymore!? Is it possible to seriously have daylight savings time-related issues that last a week!? 

I get so depressed and angry when my family gets home. I hate them all. HATE.

But I still hate me more.

"Besides being involved in the process of addiction, low Serotonin levels are believed to be the reason for many cases of mild to moderate depression which can lead to symptoms like anxiety, apathy, fear, feelings of worthlessness, insomnia and fatigue."

My parents hid Mackenzie's Halloween candy from me. That really hurts my feelings. They think I'm fat. They think I'd eat it all. I went trick-or-treating with her. I did her make-up, even. And Makcenzie doesn't even like candy. But they don't want me to eat any of it.

My parents don't love me. My mom reminds of me of that every fucking time she looks at me. It hurts so badly.

"Like many introverts, I loathe the telephone. For one thing, we tend to think and respond slowly, and dead air on the telephone doesn't work. I'm awkward on the phone, especially when just-to-chat calls drop on me from out of the blue. And I feel bad that the other person can always sense my yearning to break free. But really, it's not you, it's the phone."

The other day a random stranger asked me if I was okay.

No. Thanks for noticing.

I went to WOW last night... and not even with Julianne. She was sick, so I had to go alone. And I did.

Did I get an upset stomach? Yes. Did I accidentally smack someone in the face when I was trying to hug them? Yes. But I WENT.

Laura Sarno is so sweet. I love her. She told me yesterday after class that she won't make me talk if I really don't want to. I did yesterday. Not a lot, but I at least didn't refuse when she asked me specific questions.  

I also talked to Pauline after class last night. She said, "Even if you were perfect, it wouldn't be good enough to your mom." She's right on. But it breaks my heart.

“When your cat rubs the side of its face along your leg, it's affectionately marking you with its scent, identifying you as its private property, saying, in effect, 'You belong to me'” -Susan McDonough

I keep thinking about the future. About how I have no parents already. About how if Mom dies, our family will fall apart, I won't be able to afford car insurance, we'll lose the house,...

What if I cannot even afford to leave and go to grad school? What if I have to work at Sound Mortgage forever? I cannot even work there a full week! I hate it ever second!

I want to die. Life is too hard and the future is too scary.

I had a dream the other night about Christina's fiance. I had a dream his job was to check railroads for safety. I don't even know if that job exists, but in my dream it was totally legit. He even got a company truck.

 "It [really is sad]... I'm going to go talk to some food about this."

I’m so mad that Mom has to work when she’s so sick. She cannot get help from the government. She's dying and she still has to work. It pisses me off.

Rachel: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday, the days of the week. dum dum.

Tamara: ....and FUNday. Don't forget FUNday.

Rachel: Whats that?

Tamara: I don't even know. I hear about it, though. I think they have it in England.

Rachel: Really??

What I said to Pauline:

I'm so grateful that Christ provides our righteousness. I am a complete mess. If it weren't for His ability to love complete messes, I would be lost. And in response to the quote, yes, I agree with that completely. I've never really struggled with thinking that God loves me. Even as a young child He and I were close. I know it sounds strange, but I related to him in the way a young child would, I guess. I prayed and stuff, but I also remember leaving a penny for him on the stairs one Christmas Eve (it was His birthday present!), and I swear it was gone when I woke up in the morning. :-p And I remember putting on a fancy dress and telling my mom I was going to marry Jesus in my bedroom. I feel like my life has been a series of attacks on my heart, but at the same time, He's held it very closely. I've never had to doubt that my heart is of value to Him.

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early
to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever
you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to
this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make
the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you
feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a 
different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you
find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

I wish I had a job that I was passionate about.

I wish I didn't feel all the time like I was going to start sobbing hysterically.

I cannot believe that this is my life.

No one asked me if I wanted two more siblings.

I hate my parents.

I cannot believe every morning I have to wake up to this.

When you know what it is to not believe in love anymore, whenever you get too near someone else who knows what it's like to not believe in love, it's all you can do to keep from reaching out and holding them close.

i am not going to expect myself to be happy anymore. i am just going to expect myself to get out of bed in the morning and keep breathing all day long.